Re-agents: Gems Bond & Modesty Blasé

The most believable James Bond

THEY THRILLED you with their spying and crime-busting. But did they or their creators ever tell you what their names meant? Here’s a list of fictional detectives and agents and what they could mean today.

JAMES BOND: Agreement between a jeweler and an astrologer to make your wife/girlfriend empty your purse on gem-studded ornaments

MODESTY BLAZE: Attempts to tame fire within by frequently tugging at and stretching stubborn miniskirt or short T-shirt

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A padlock etched with Urdu verses marketed for houses not on Baker Street

PHILLIP MARLOWE: Spurring someone on before walloping or doing him/her

HERCULE POIROT: A muscleman who decays after eating Hawaiian food

MISS MARPLE: An unmarried woman sexually assaulted twice

NANCY DREW: A sketchy effeminate male or a homosexual with a stroke-filled past

FELUDA: Noodles that gel more with roshogolla than kulfi

PERRY MASON: Alcoholic juice of pears produced for bricklayers with weak foundation

ELLERY QUEEN: Regina who reigns to leer or leers to reign

The greatestDICK TRACY: A male organ that maps its exploits with you-know-what

NICK CARTER: Same as Dick Tracy but with preference for scratching while transporting

INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU: Job entailing examination of intimacy in French closets

LAURA HOLT: Command for erectiles to stop

CHIEF INSPECTOR HEAT: Principal checker of body temperature

HARRY HOLE: What a chief inspector seeks when he is in heat

JASON BOURNE: Cry of joy when a German gets a male heir

SIMON TEMPLAR: Man who sighs when assigned temporary larceny

BYOMKESH BAKSHI: Tip given to terrorist for hair-raising bomb blast

BULLDOG DRUMMOND: The habit of thumping bovine men to do canines

TRAVIS MCGEE: Two-minute noodles custom-made for acrobats or circus artists

LORI SHEPHERD: A farm hand ambitious enough to be a truck driver

THOMAS MAGNUM: Art of mass melting with a large wine bottle

SAM SPADE: Act of scooping up dirt on an American uncle

TIM DIAMOND: A swarm controllable with two stones

MIKE HAMMER: A public address system that pounds the eardrums

VERONICA MARS: A bullfighting trick learnt from the Red Planet

ADRIAN MONK: A priest who endorses adrenaline boosters

JONATHAN CREEK: A person who stands in a stream with nothin’ on

REGGIE FORTUNE: Someone who somehow manages to acquire Richie Rich’s wealth

HARDY BOYS: Males with a stiff middle leg

CASEY ROLF: A lawyer who survives by rolling with golfers

CORDELIA GRAY: Phenomenon of aging due to intake of too much lime cordial

CARLAND CROSS: Angry in a place with too many vehicles

JIM ROCKFORD: Non-Kashmiri stone-pelter who targets a particular car brand

NERO WOLFE: An X-man who plays the fiddle when Pyro runs amok

EASY RAWLINS: Magical simplicity of alleged plagiarizing

C AUGUSTE DUPIN: Conman’s referrer for the most impressive month

MRS BRADLEY: A married woman who takes only from brats

LEW ARCHER: Person specializing in drawing arrow-pierced hearts in a loo


About rahconteur

A mid-career journalist who's worked horizontally across India - from Arunachal Pradesh to Gujarat
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