God, the terrestrial fathers in school told us, is our celestial Father and we are His children. So holy be Thy name.
We didn’t care, so long as He presumably gave us our daily bread but no butter, jam, cheese, eggs and sweets. Amen.
For a long time, I thought God did all the providing, not my biological father.
But I never gave a thought to God’s procreation power until I became a father in 2002.
If one in 15 million sperms per milliliter – that is WHO’s average figure – made me and each of my two sons, what would be His sperm count?
Hold on! How does He make children on His own? Isn’t He supposed to be lonely up there and exercising monopoly, as mainstream faiths born in West Asia ages after multi-deity Hinduism say? In that case, does He need to ejaculate?
If He doesn’t, then God takes the vegetative route to reproduction. So God is a chlamydomonas, a genus of green algae. Or yeast.
Nah! God is an Amoeba.
But if God, allegedly formless, is a microbe, who told them He’s a He, not She? Besides, isn’t asexual reproduction more associated with females? (Don’t question God’s miraculous capabilities, you blasphemous bastard!)
God, they say, is an extension of Nature. And Nature accommodates parthenogenesis or ‘virgin birth’ that allows development of embryos without fertilization by a male. The offspring of parthenogenesis can be all female or all male depending on the combination of chromosomes.
Humans mate, you might argue, so this parthenogenesis parent theory is crap. Google this reproduction process and you will discover parthenogenesis females mate if similarly sired males are available in the vicinity.
Thus, if God is a sexless multiplier, He or She is in the league of aphids, bees, nematodes, parasitic wasps, scorpions, water fleas, komodo dragons and hammerhead sharks.
Logically, God stings, bites or drools poison saliva.
This brings us to the reproductive formula of hermaphrodites, creatures that have both male and female reproductive organs. Most snails and slugs are hermaphrodites, blessed with a mating mantra enabling both partners to act as male or female.
But God does it alone, unlike the slimy snails. Consequently, He/She is likely to be a simultaneous hermaphrodite that has both male and female sexual organs with one usually fertilizing the other. This negates the necessity of a partner.
The best known simultaneous hermaphrodite is a farmer’s friend – earthworm.
But farmers are often debt-drowned, forced to commit suicide. They suffer most from natural calamities, are displaced by dams and mining projects…
So God cannot be an earthworm.
He/She could be a hermaphrodite in a different way, say a eunuch or shim. Or maybe God is gay.
If He/She/Shim is homogamous – that’s a synonym for hermaphrodite – the hypothesis that we are His children is ridiculous.
But God must be Something.
If you consider what’s happening to this world, God sucks.
He/She/Shim, believers aver, is indestructible. And going by the number of His/Her/Shim’s children on earth, breeds fast too like a, well, buzzing stinger.
God, therefore, is a Mosquito. QED.
But if blood is all He/She/Shim seeks – death, remember, is the price you pay for life – God could very well be a Raktabeej clone.
Raktabeej was a mythological Indian monster that fought Goddess Durga along with demon-king Mahishashura who could morph into a killer buffalo. Rakta means blood and beej is seed; so every drop spilled from Raktabeej’s body created thousands of equally terrible monsters.
If you think clubbing God with Raktabeej is sacrilege, go catch the chap who sought inspiration in a dog to give Him/Her/Shim a name?